It’s feels like I’ll never sleep again.
It feels like I haven’t slept since January.
It feels like a huge weight hanging behind my eyes that I cannot shift.
It feels like someone has trapped my body and mind in a quagmire of treacle and all I can do is move forward minute by minute, hour by hour, surviving.
My brain knows the facts, the information but it is so much slower in retrieving it. Where did I put that? Where did they go? Why can't I remember?
Smiles are fleeting; must conserve energy.
Low power mode has engaged this is a marathon not a sprint and I have to survive, I’m not sure how but I have to because I just do.
I can’t remember what happened yesterday or the day before as everything blurs into one, I can remember the noise from the monitor, that last night seemed unrelenting, harsh and loud in the dark of the night.
The nights are so long, it’s cliche but it’s so true, I’ve seen every hour, sometimes twice,
it’s like being in some sort of weird trance, sleep deprivation is a real thing......it’s debilitating, anxiety inducing and lonely. No one really knows except you how much your body aches, your eyelids hurt and your eyes sting, no one else but you knows what it is that keeps you going, I don’t know what it is. Fresh air?
Your mind plays tricks on you, it’s mean and nasty in the night when you are at your most vulnerable and have nowhere to go. Ssssshhhhhh! The rest of the world is so quiet except for the hurricane in my head, don’t even get me started on going back to work!
Sleep......the nectar of the gods, the fountain of youth!! Tell that to my face and the ever increasing dark circles under my eyes.
Why isn’t your baby sleeping? How did she sleep last night? I don’t want to talk about it anymore please, please, pleaseeeee!!! Someone just find me a magic wand and wave it NOW!
We have a routine, you go to sleep by yourself at the same time every night but clearly that’s not the magic recipe. You wake, you wake and you keep waking.
Is it developmental, is it a growth spurt or is this just you?
I feel haggard and impatient, days are quieter then they should be and I feel guilty for that but unfortunately that is the knock on effect of a 24 hour shift, if I’m going to make the night shift I need to cut corners somewhere.
'It gets easier', say the smiling faces of wiser more experienced women, hang in there..........when?? Tell me when!! I can’t do this! I just can’t. Desperate, hanging by a thread, stretched so thin you could snap, it hurts. Everything slides, you do what is in front of you and no more. I can’t even comprehend next week, next month as I can’t see the end of today. Everything else becomes white noise, I hear your conversations but I don’t have the energy to engage or answer back, must make it through the next hour.
Please little girl if there is a magic recipe please can I have it.