Am I making too much of a big deal out of this?
Do I feel so utterly blessed and so totally ungrateful in the same moment?
Do I talk about it to much?
Do I talk about it to little?
Do I not talk about it enough?
No one wants to hear this so I’ll hold on to it for a little longer
Do I talk about it to much?
Should I talk about it more? What do I say? Have I got the right words?
People will think I’m crazy?
Do I even know what I'm talking about, I've only been doing this 18 weeks?
Is this me?
Is this my over anxious brain? Or is this normal?
You’re not the first woman in the world to have a baby JEEZZZZ woman grab a hold of yourself.
The name of this blog seems to radiate around in brain on a daily basis as I come up against these relentless questions which don't necessarily need an answer to but are now part of this whole new mummy world. An inner monologue that has the power to derail you at a moments notice, when you least expect it and when you definitely didn’t plan for it.
Many people may call me selfish, many people may say ‘what did you expect’, many people will say its just for a short time and i know they are right. BUT in those moments when the minutes and seconds seem to stand still I feel lost, adrift, still floating but being pulled along by a current that is unrelenting. This is now. Fast forward 6 months and things will change again and one day very soon I know I’ll miss the fact that you no longer fall asleep in my arms, or dribble on my cheek when you want feeding but there are times when I miss me. The me before, the one who I had worked on so hard to love, the one who still needed work but had always worked hard, the one that always thought her hips were too wide and her shoulders too broad but had over time worked on quietening those noises, the one who hid herself in public situations until she felt comfortable with the people around her, the one who never really knew her worth until her late twenties, the one who felt like a failure so often before the age of 16, the one who would prefer to listen rather than have people listen to her. I thought I knew her quite well but now I'm not sure if she's still there. I miss her.
I miss my pre pregnancy body
I miss knowing how long it will take me to leave the house
I miss being able to do my make up with two hands
I miss me
I miss going to work
I miss being needed in a professional capacity
I miss feeling confident in my own ability
I miss feeling confident in my body
I miss being able to talk to you properly when you call
I miss being able to leave the house alone
I miss going to the toilet on my own
I miss the days when my boobs didn’t leak or feel sore
I miss being able to wear whatever I wanted and not consider whether or not it was boob friendly
I miss fitting in my pre pregnancy clothes
I miss you
I miss not having to worry about things I never knew I would have to worry about
I miss social interactions with adults who don’t have kids
I miss social interactions
I miss moving freely
I miss having space in my brain
I miss being able to remember things
I miss dancing
I miss going to the theatre
I miss us
Is it selfish of me to say these things in comparison to what I have now? And am I still me? I'm not sure, but I know talking about it and actually saying these things out loud helps me to feel less burdened. I love my baby girl to bits but thats not to say I can't miss me as well. What do you miss? When did you start to feel like you again?
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