Updated: Sep 30, 2019
I got this........I think! The thought that runs through my head at least 100 times a day and has led me here. I’ve always wanted to write, I loved writing at school and although that was a million years ago now I still remember the sensation of getting lost in words. Fiction writing was always something I loved and maybe one day it is something that I might spend more time on again. TIME! Time, what a crucial factor in life one that gives me anxiety when I know I’m going to be late. I can literally feel the beads of sweat start to form as I see the minutes tick towards a scheduled time and I'm running late. Time, that just seems to fall away so quickly, days turn into night, nights turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and somehow I am now a mummy to an 9 week old baby girl. Pregnancy and labour, two areas again where time is so pivotal. The first delicate 12 weeks where you cannot talk about your little secret, 16 weeks, 20 weeks, second trimester, third trimester all milestones associated with time, and then contractions ‘how long between contractions’ all time related elements, when’s the next contraction and then amazingly once your little one makes an appearance, ‘what time were they born?’. Quickly followed by how long will you have off work? When are you going back? How long are you planning on feeding for (if breast feeding)? Time, is a constant pivotal factor and the most common question I have asked Alexa over the last 9 weeks; ‘Alexa, what’s the time?’. Time, to wake up, time to monitor feeds, time to get dressed, time to change nappies, time to go to the toilet, time to fit in a quick clean of the house, time that will never come back and as I lie here pinned to the sofa by my absolutely gorgeous bundle of joy, who makes my eyes fill with tears at just how much I love her I realise I will never ‘have time’ ever again and by that I mean the time I had pre baby. Pre baby time now seems something of fairy tales, it seemed endless and beautiful. Multiple episodes of a TV series in an evening was totally doable, spending hours cleaning the bathroom or agonising over a piece of work for ages, all doable should I choose to. All of these things still need doing but my time restraints are now different, not bad, just different and again this is the path I have walked the last 9 weeks, leading me to this point. I will never have ‘the time’ so why not make time. Kate Cocker at Volley FM I blame you entirely for this, you made me realise that like many others I may be spending time in the wrong areas; social media, staring out the window, worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, so I should make these times more positive, productive! You have to make the time. Time is one of the most precious features of our lives and one that we often give away so carelessly and yet there are only a finite amount of hours in the day, so how can I be more protective of my time?
As a first time mummy I have felt extremely overwhelmed and conflicted by the amount of time that is needed to care for and take care of my beautiful girl, house and husband. I could give 100% of my energy to it and most days I try to but then during the long hours of the night that are suddenly punctuated by night feeds I reflect and again worry; will this breed resentment in me? How do I keep a balance? Do I know who I am as a mummy yet? Do I know who I am as wife now? What about my career? What about my friends, what about my social life? What about my future? All of these questions again fly round my head on a daily basis so instead of getting stuck in a social media hole or browsing eBay for items that I think I desperately need, I want to channel my thoughts into this and see if I can unpack some of these questions, and hopefully get rid of the ‘I think’ part of this blog.
We’ve all ‘got this’ in our way so let’s figure it out together.